When You’re An Empty Vessel

It’s been more than two years since I’ve touched this blog but it’s time to go back to writing and it’s time to stop allowing myself to be consumed by my career. I’ve been working and giving everything I have in service to other people… Particularly populations that are vulnerable. When you are serving people its so easy to forget to take care of yourself. And you justify the weight you gain, the declining mental health and the isolating by the fact that you’re a helper. What you’re doing is RIGHT and doing right will always come first. Yet here it is 3 years and some months later and I’ve gained 100lbs, an anxiety and depression diagnosis and I haven’t had a relationship in 7 years.

I’ve been pouring myself out and putting nothing back in. I’ve been investing in families, communities, children and I’ve been ignoring every physical ache and every shallow breath. I’ve developed a psuedotumor that impacts my vision and is exacerbated by stress and even then? I’m still pouring myself out. So I’m back to writing…. I’m hoping I can find myself again and in doing so fill myself up with all the good things I’ve been giving away to strangers and denying my family.

I’m mean to everyone and exhausted all the time and I can’t maintain friendships irl because I feel they’re too demanding. Right now I’m thinking of leaving social work entirely for a while and going to work at the bank lol to find Nicci again and give her a chance to live again. To breathe again. To achieve something more than 50k a year. Also….I bought a pig for my birthday

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