Let me tell you I could live the rest of my life w/o fucking another human being
IF you promised me respect, autonomy & the right to be human
Sex did nothin but degrade, dehumanize and define me down to my vagina
I haven’t been able to get out of that except to cut out sex entirely
It fucking sucks to have to shut off your sexuality like a fucking MAMMY
To get respect
To be considered human
Celibacy has done some pretty amazing things for me…
It showed me how “pretty” i was once I stopped putting our
How much worth I really had outside of my sexual self to the world
I didnt mean a damn thing
Niggas called me their lover and praised me for my body and sometimes…
My mind ….but I wasnt worth more than my willingness to lie down
To please, to submit and boost a man up
In order to live life as a woman w/ sanity & dignity…a fat bi-racial woman..
I have come to the conclusion that I MUST deny my sexuality
It is tragedy to cut off your sexuality …
I’d rather lose that then the rest of myself trying to please other people at my expense
honey this is pure eureka
I am WAY past being a fat bitter black bitch
And even if i were bitter?
Would you deny me that too?!
Some days I’m tired of being black
Or bi-racial or whatever race u call me
Tired of being fat
Tired of being a woman
Tired of being poor
I am tired of being everything I am even though i have come to accept it
Because I will probably always be the only one who accepts it
These things are a cage of oppression around me that seems insurmountable …Interseconality makes freedom seem so impossible
I’ve settled into the idea that ….
The ONLY freedom i can acquire is freedom of the mind…..
Freedom from all these things has to be granted
I refuse to ask a man
A thin person
A rich person
To ALLOW me to be me
I refuse to ask my oppressor to free me
This is nothing but a game of dodging the hand that holds you down
But only for as long as you can, and recouping quickly when you can’t
I dont live my life in a perpetual “woe is me” state of being
But some days the pain reaches a crescendo and if I don’t say something
If i dont complain or expose the source of that pain
I swear to god i wouldnt make it another day
I want LOVE when sex is the only thing available to me
I want respect when taking care of the ego of another is the only thing available
And you wanna know why i have an attitude
Why I’m angry and I sound aggressive?
It’s because the world doesnt revolve around me
It doesnt even MENTION me except as a sexual commodity to be bought and sold
At the whim of someone more worthy, pretty, male, or socially well off than I
Excuse me while I scream out loud in frustration and anger at the way I’ve been treated
I absolutely do NOT value silence
I’m a fat girl and if i complain about being used for nothing but sex …
People dont even believe me because there is no way I cud be attractive enuff to fuck
I’m a black girl and when I mention being raped ….
I’m just complaining or getting back at someone because of inevitable rejection
I am a poor woman and I am poor because I am lazy & lacking morals
….Every oppression I face has a “because” attached to it
One that is purely about me and my character flaws…
Yes.. that pisses me off
It puts me in a perpetual state of anger that I cannot seem to get out from underneath
How do you tell the people that treat you like a thing, a mule, a mammy …
I AM WORTHY…even if you dont think so, even if u dont treat me ……
You dont tell them…
You muddle through and hope to escape their wrath when you succeed
….A success that often excludes you from your own community ….
A success that means you’ll always undermine a man’s “manliness”
A success that gives you something to be proud of when
You’re not allowed to be proud about being fat, black or a woman.
Success….is ALL you can be proud of and it is damn hard to obtain
So excuse me if I tell you to get your dick outta my face, and your foot off of my neck While I try to get this undergrad degree
I’ll never be arm candy
I’ll never be a trophy
I’ll never be better than a bed warmer to some but gotdamnit I can be fruitful
A bitter black fat bitch of a misandrist & a prude….
I’ve no energy to prove you wrong, nor do i have the time…
I’ve got some living to get to and I’ve lost all fear of living alone and being childless
What are you going to do with me now?