There has been so much said about the sexuality of young girls……recently a story broke news about a 14 year old girl who gave oral sex to a boy who in turn (with his friends) video taped the whole thing and put it on the internet (without this girl’s permission). There has been alot of speculation about whether this girl was a willing participant in a room full of boys or whether she was coerced or not…..her father claims she was coerced and this blogger is inclined to agree with him because he is her father. The story goes that this boy broke up with her and told her that if she didnt do this for him he wouldn’t get back together with her…..needless to say…things went down. But I wanted to say a few things that I was thinking about ….things that really disturb me about this entire situation and the first thing being that pure unmitigated hatred against this girl….now I know most of you know who I’m referring to….I dont want to say her name because her name has already been sprayed all over the internet and this is not just her story but many young girls stories…..it just so happens that hers got national attention. So …I’ve been trying to wrap my head around how quick people are to call this 14 year old girl a slut, a whore, to say she had it coming for her behavior….they have cast a shadow on this girl as if she were an adult with full knowledge of the way things work, as if there were no way she could have NOT known they were going to betray her trust and put her all over the internet……but again…she is only 14. How many of us have participated in sexual activities when we were 14? or even younger? And how many of us knew exactly what we were doing? I showed my breasts at a public pool to some boys, and played spin the bottle numerous times in the basement of my apartment complex…..I was too terrified to do anything else when i was 14…..but I recall the boys suggesting we play “monkey in the chair” naked. This “game” being where I got naked and sat on a boys dick and hopped up and down on it……I stopped playing spin the bottle when the suggestion become a request and the request turned into a command…I knew I didnt want to have sex and I was sure this was the line. I was also a fat little girl and i was afraid to be naked in front of a boy…i figured that i was unappealing, unsexy and they would laugh at me as soon as my clothes came off…..so, I spent the rest of that summer in the house…because ….well…those boys were the only ones who would play with me and I turned them down……I was a stupid girl…a nobody but I escaped the practice of male patriarchy that summer….that practice of domination and entitlement that is so prevalent in our society….especially around groups of men who are dis-empowered because of their race and their class. But alot of young girls are not so lucky…
This girl has been labeled probably for the rest of her life…forced to change schools yet the names of the boys who did this to her will not be released…no one has hardly mentioned them besides other feminists…..because the real crime here? Being a woman and having sex ….not video taping a girl unknowingly then posting it on the internet, not coercing a girl to give you head in a room full of boys….I can only imagine how intimidating that must have been…and honestly scary…..in a culture so saturated with pornographic images and sex workers dolled up to look as young as 10….we are worried about controlling the sex lives of our teens? It is scary to think we would rather hide them from sex and punish them for sex rather then teach them all of it’s social and physical dynamics and their CHOICES (this is not a slight to this girl’s parents but to the community and it’s lessons to young people about sex). …..Society won’t even make allowances for this 14 year old girl! and when another 14 year old girl is raped by a group of grown men the media questions what she was wearing and where she was……be you a victim or a willing participant, when you are a young colored female the world has the right to question anything that has to do with your sexuality….it is the world’s business…not your own because young black girls have no right to autonomy, not even in their own communities….and where is the defense of this young black girl?….besides her family no one is defending her…but they are quick to defend these boys….Why? Because males in the black community are the most important members, women and men alike race to defend and protect them, even when they are wrong…even at the expense of a black girl’s sanity.
The pressure on women and their sexuality starts as soon as they hit puberty, they are given a list (if they have parents who care to address sex) of do’s and don’ts and remember’s and all but sent out into the world to test boundaries even when they have no desire to. The idea that men are entitled to women starts early as well ….I mean MIDDLE SCHOOL early these kids pair off and fight over each other’s girls, they are possessive and these young girls soak up the attention (often times attention that is not available at home). Then the pressure for sex mounts and instead of being able to make a full and well informed decision about having sex, young girls often find they do not have a choice at all. Young black girls fall pray to alot of sexual MESS before they even hit puberty (molestation from sneaky uncles or neighborhood boys at very young ages), sex is a huge part of the black community, i dare say a part of life for a young black girl …..and black men are sexually aggressive and teach that aggression to their sons (im not saying all black men are rapists hang in with me please!) ….Sex seems to be, for alot of black men,….a way to bring order in a chaotic world…..being poor, black and disadvantaged takes a toll on a man at a very young age, but when you find someone who is even lower on the social order than you it is easy to exploit them and unfortunately that is what happens on a grand scale in the black community. That exploitation in turn boosts the status of black men and is allowed in the community….black girls & their bodies being the vehicle to soothe the male oppression…This isnt all mens faults….women are not even raised/socialized to say no these days…they are conditioned to use their sexuality to get what they want by not quite saying no…and not quite saying yes….and sacrificing their bodies and their sexuality for attention, praise and status. they do this because it seems to be the only way to get results in a male dominated society….i mean for fucks sake you can’t even be HEARD unless your sporting a pretty smile and a thin body……And when these girls say no to sex….they are laughed at……they are raped…..or broken up with and abandoned for being a prude….the only protection for a young black girl is family if they are there and if they aren’t apart of the problem……if a young black girl has brothers….or a father….then she will be left alone because some how….the men in the family own this black girl and she is off limits…but how many black girls have brothers and fathers?…….they are rare to say the least……and then the word hoe floats around the black community like a disease…..always seeking to keep the black female in check and in the process another child is born without a father by a 13 year old….I do not believe it is any coincidence that black women were used as sexual beasts during slavery by white men and often times black men as well with permission from their owners……black women are painted as whores the minute they hit puberty and they fight this portrayal for the rest of their lives…no matter how professional their occupation no matter what they go on to be as adults…the controlling images surrounding black female sexuality is extremely damaging….it’s an image that causes rape, domestic violence, exploitation and trafficking in the black community.
So what the fuck can we even do to protect these young black girls?…..Are we to try and shove more and more knowledge about sex, compliance etc. at them and continue to keep the burden of sexuality on their shoulders? Tell these girls the golden rule is to keep your panties up and your skirt down and to just say no while their male counterparts have no rules at all? or do finally start putting up rules of sexuality for young men and men alike so that there are social sanctions for their behavior just as there are for women? What do we do to make the world a safer and healthier place for young black girls growing up into black women? I wish I had another answer besides ….educate …..I wish I could tell that young black girl in the media right now that she has done nothing the rest of us didnt do when we were 14 I wish her own community would back her up ….instead of covering for those boys who victimized her……A change in the social contract is needed when it comes to sexuality in the black community….I dont recommend attacking these children….but the MINDSET behind their actions needs to be addressed and WHO IS WILLING TO ADDRESS IT? We are all too busy calling her a slut…….I think we forget that no matter how old the clothing made for young girls looks…how little fabric, how sexualized….we are still dealing with children…..teens…..those who have not developed their full sense of self, their boundaries, their identities they STILL need nurtured, taught and socialized to believe they are worth something and they are allowed to make mistakes…..and that when something bad like this happens…..they are not any label but teachable