I’ve Certainly Played The Slut Before

MIGHT CONTAIN A TRIGGER

I haven’t blogged in a while sigh*** so I would like to lightly touch on some things I’ve thought about today. First, I’ve played the “hoe, bop, whore, slut, bitch” before….I didnt enjoy it, the behavior was self destructive BUT I consider it to be a stage in my development….I learned alot from that role, lessons that were hard won and I am NOT going to be shamed, ridiculed or presently called a whore for my past. I was hurt so badly emotionally after being raped and I went through A LOT of men trying to replace that sexual encounter with one that had depth and meaning ……..I ended up repeating that same abuse to the point where I was in a cycle of destruction that I couldnt get out of………..on the spur of a moment after a terrifying panic attack I went to a counselor on campus…..I had sex with a bunch of men, no birth control, didnt always use protection, I was fucking myself up and I didnt understand WHY I couldnt stop! I didnt know I was repeating my rape over and over and over….in fact, even after I got emotionally stable enough to take a step back and stop this behavior I STILL didnt see it as a repetition of that act until today….somehow, repeating that night helped me cope until I found another way. I tore myself up allowing men to take advantage of me and I hated them with a passion because they never listened to me when I told them no, just like my rapist didnt listen to me, i continued to have men over that were like HIM but with these new men ….I stopped saying no after a few advances yet…..I still felt raped……it was like a paper cut that wouldnt heal because I keep cutting myself in the same spot again. ….the emotional pain was unbearable and I would cry as soon as they left…..sometimes I couldnt hold the tears and they would look at me with disgust or call me crazy and leave…..this is a life I will never go back to, ever, this is a life I was FREED from. And if anyone reading this knows this same struggle i BEG you to go see a counselor, take a therapy session or two, see this behavior for what it is and STOP it before you become a victim all over again or a victim AT ALL. Much love to you guys, way more love than you know.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I’ve Certainly Played The Slut Before

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s