I Won’t Flinch

My heart came apart in his hands
And he didnt bother helping me pick up the pieces
For months I looked for something to put it back together again
I couldnt find anything,
Then another him popped up and walked off with a piece of me
Then another, and another
Until my heart was off in 16 pieces
The wind was blowing hard and strong through my ribs
I didn’t chase the thieves
I didnt know where they were going to or coming from
I let them get away, and I sat down in shock
With my empty hands….
Looking at them and wondering what I did wrong
There was a profound sadness that quickly turned into anger
Burning hatred for no one and nothing but me,…..
I fell, fell harder then I’d ever fallen
Into darkness
Into the cold
Away from life and into death….or what was a desire for death
I don’t quite remember where the light came from….
Or if it was more, reflection
But it was enough to tempt me into moving, and move I did
I could never find those stolen pieces of me but new ones grew
Better ones
Ones that I protect with love, consistency and attitude
I’ve begun to trust myself with these pieces
Fuck if they didnt come together quite nicely
They stood up to the first attack
The second attack
And the sneak attacks
Until I was so sure I was invincible …unstoppable
That all I’d been through previously had only been a stepping stone to stability and hope…….
Now I’m sitting here having loved for the first time in my life
Wondering about the wisdom of this choice
Whatever the outcome…….I’m not giving ONE piece away
Not one piece of my new heart away
I can’t afford to give it away and love at the same time…….
I don’t have it in me
I jst hope to God he is worthy
I just hope to God I’m not letting myself down
Regressing……..
I just hope to God he cares
But if he doesn’t, I wont flinch.
I have what I didn’t have before
An understand of who I am
And a map back to that, no matter WHAT happens.

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