For these last few months I have been grooming and conditioning myself to become content, satisfied and happy as a truly single woman. As I have expressed in another blog, single to me means I’m not having sex or spending romantic time with a man, it means I am alone, completely. I have been looking over my life and the lessons I have learned in the past , I am beginning to understand that my value as a human being is not measured by another person…….It was the realization that I could be valuable, I could have worth as a single person, if I was happy and whole and fruitful that really has evoked a new passion for life in me.
As women we are socialized to believe that the most important thing in life is to have a family, we are socialized that to be a woman without a man is a miserable existence, that no happiness comes outside of romanticism. I’m here to serve notice on that idea. I’m not trying to smash that idea because I haven’t had any luck with finding a genuine man, I’m not trying to smash that idea because I am jealous of those of you who have stable and healthy relationships. I’m trying to smash that idea because it holds you back, it holds women back! this idea tells women that their lives are best lived in service to a family, in service to a man, women are encouraged to be dependent instead of independent, they give away their power to meet an outdated traditional script. Meaning a woman cannot self actualize fully under this script! Self actualizing means to realize your potential through independence, creativity, spontenaity and a grasp of the real world. When you are limiting yourself in hopes that a significant other will define you, you are not self actualizing. I am smart, I have compassion for others and I have the desire to change the world some day….I know the tools I need to do that and more importantly I believe that I CAN do that. My dream is separate from my desire to have a love life, my dream does not DEPEND on a love life. How many woman can say that? And how many women would abandon their dream for the chance to be with a man because in the back of their head no matter what they do they have accomplished nothing if they have not found “the one”. This is a dangerous thing….that your dream could ride on something so unpredictable, that your dream could come to nothing if you don’t find love or if you do find love…..
Yes it would be nice to have someone beside me and If that someone comes along I will take them but to forfeit my dream, my happiness and even my power on something that is not a sure thing and can turn into your biggest distraction…..that is something I cannot do. I hurt myself emotionally and mentally on the search to find the one….call me stupid, call me crazy but I thought I would be dating every single one of the men I had sex with, I thought they wanted me and that FINALLY my dream of value on the arm of a man was going to be fulfilled …but I’ve been disillusioned, I’ve been used, and I’ve had my heart broken without ever being in love. Like many women I searched for a definition of myself, a definition of true happiness in the companionship of a man. I was willing to take fake intimacy in the form of casual sex because I thought I NEEDED it to be happy. It made me the most unhappy i had ever been in my life. So I began to prepare for the event that I might end up alone, I told myself to get used to the idea. It was scary at first, thinking I might never get married and have children….I thought children were the only way to leave my mark on the world, but I realize I can leave my mark in other ways (if the chance for children never arises and even if it does), and these ways line up with my dream. My change in attitude has changed my relationship with people, I’m not longer having casual sex that hurts me emotionally, I am no longer looking for “the one” or putting myself out there and getting rejected or having my original intentions skewed to fit someone else. I’ve become strong and resilient and dependable, and sure of myself….I’m alot different this summer than I was last. II am living my life the best way that I know how….in service to others, this way I can say I did something, I left my mark and i was HAPPY. I cannot deny that doing this is HARD but it is worth it, it is a process…being happy alone but if you perfect it than if you do decide to be with someone your relationship with be stable and strong, a good relationship usually consists of two people who know themselves very very well, who do not need another person to complete them or define them, one person like that is powerful….2 people like that have supermanhulk status.
So I encourage you, be you man or woman, to define yourself, your dream, outside of the search for a mate. Wanting a mate is not a bad thing, but if all you want is a mate, period, you are setting yourself up to be lost. People will come and go, you might marry, you might divorce, you might date, you might break up, but one thing that should never change is what you know about yourself and a dream that does not rely on a relationship to thrive, to work, to become a reality. You can stay true to yourself and be a whole person regardless of who comes and goes if you can grasp and never let go of the aforementioned.