When I was a child….all the way up to highschool in the 10th grade I would run away from home after whoopins, or arguments with my mother, I’d run away over anything that cut me or hurt me….I’d find myself in a park somewhere, ranting, telling my mom, who wasn’t there, how bad she was at her job, how I hoped she worried herself sick because I was going to be gone for 2 weeks! I wasnt going home until she was sorry, really really really sorry
And now….I live alone, I’m single, and the only people in my life are the ones I let in…..some of them should have never had the chance to come into my life but my naive and wistful side let them in. Some of them used me, some of them hurt me, some of them lied and manipulated and stole parts of me and now I find myself wishing I could run away again, run away from them, run away from home. Wind up in a park and rant and shout about how they would see, they would be sorry, they wouldnt have Nicci to push around anymore or hurt anymore while fulfilling their selfish desires, I would drop off the map and no one would know if I was dead or alive…..then reality kicks in, and I realize why I always went back home when I was younger…..I had an imperfect mother that loved me…she had always loved me, it is those people, the ones who love you, that you HAVE to let back in …but the people I wanted to run away from in my adult life didnt love me, didnt have my best interest at heart….I don’t need to run away from them, I need to put my foot up their asses! And since I’ve done that I have been running for a little while back to the woman I ran away from when I was younger. We got in so many arguments, so many fights, but I never doubted the genuineness of her love or the love my sisters had for me…HAVE for me.
These people that hurt me today with their actions, their words, their selfish agendas, they are trumped by the love my family has for me, and they should be. I can run away as an adult, to the ones that counsel me and teach me and they give me the strength to keep those SUCK ASS people away….yes I’d rather avoid the conflict of shoving people out of my life, telling them about themselves and making enemies out of them because they probably wont agree with my assessment of them but it is necessary to maintain what I am trying to do…and that is be a better person. Live life happy, without fear or regret or mistrust…..I’ve been lookin for the better part of 2 yrs, for someone who would be with me, make me happy but it was in these last 3-4 months that I let the love of my friends and family replace that search…its been enough for some months now, and if need be it will be enough for the rest of my life….its a foundation that I can run TO, instead of running from….I thank God for that, and I thank God for my sisters, my mother, my close friends who have always stood in the gap for me when I let them. They are my anchors