Happy Delusions

Since I have gotten control over my emotions I have been doing…interesting things. First off, I no longer shame myself for sex, which is always a plus, it took me 20 yrs to stop shaming myself for masturbation, and one year to stop shaming myself for actual sex lol.

But beyond that I’ve been keeping myself content with what I call my Happy Delusions,  it is a place in my mind where it is ok to indulge in my fantasies without fear they might consume me or hurt me. The reason why they wont hurt me is because they rely on no one else to flourish. In my mind I can be madly in love with a man, and I’m no advocate for loving someone who doesn’t love you BUT I have acknowledged that love is a choice and I can  choose it anyways. Love is an emotion that is easy to control, especially when you relinquish the need to control someone else. This is how it works, I love him but I don’t tell him, and I don’t expect anything from him. I let him be himself, in his own world but I genuinely love and care for him. I just dont let how I feel interfere with his life. When I dont expect anything from him, then I don’t feel empty handed or like I wasted my time or any negative emotion towards him. I can acknowledge my feelings, take responsibility for them, even embrace them without letting them run me and this really makes me happy. Like it really brings me joy. Occasionally I will have a conversation with myself …going something like this : you kno this is all a farce right Nicci? You know that He isnt really yours and its all in your head?….to which I answer : fuck YES I know, thats why its the safest type of relationship I will ever have lol

Happy Delusions only work for people with control over their emotions, I wouldnt suggest you do it if yu are the type to call the person and spill your guts then hang yurself because they say wtf are you talking about we have always been just friends or something hella dramatic and uncalled for like that. The point is to help you become and stay content as a single person. Personally as a woman, I was socialized from a very young age to believe that true happiness came when you found “the one” so I’ve created a place of …almost meditation, where i really HAVE found “the one” and it works for ME. The person I choose to love really exists but he is an awesome guy and I would never ask him to be anything but his own person, I’d never ask him to be with me, to stop doing what he does etc. I just found someone who has the personality and teh character of what I dream “the one ” will have so I find he is incorporated in my delusions. Lol still think I’m crazy? I could be, but I’m a FUNCTIONING crazy person, in the least lol

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