Broken Promises

So I broke my promise to myself yesterday and I had sex for the 1st time in 3 months. Right away I fought feeling guilty because I know how I get. I would beat the shit out of myself, wag my finger in my own face and start the self pity and flagellation. Not this time. I am armed with the knowledge that I had the power not to have sex and I made a conscious decision, taking responsibility for that decision to have sex. The difference between breaking this promise and breaking previous promises I’d made to myself concerning this same subject, is that this time I actually kept the promise for 3 months……..I didnt break it in 3 days of making it or 20days of making it. I am so proud of myself. And while the guy that I had sex with wants a relationship I am not sure I want one….he is really nice (except he got an attitude when I said he kudnt spend the night) and he is mature for his age but I’m finding that what I wanted so badly …respect, an invite into a relationship, a stable beginning with a man, is not the best thing for me right now. I still put myself before others, which is my right, but in a relationship I’ll be asked to put someone on my level and occasionally ahead of me…..Idk if I want to do that right now. And as crazy as it sounds I have strong feelings for someone else who is untouchable right now. And Id rather wait around for him …possibly be waitin a year or more lol then be with someone now that I only sort of like. I think its funny though, what I thought i wanted is actually not what I want…..I’ve proven that I am worth something, by keeping my promise to myself, by using my power to protect myself, and the end result was meeting a great guy who respected me, FINALLY. My method was successful although  a lil backwards because the sex came sooner than I would have wished but eh what can you do lol

Anyhoo so I’m smiling, I’m also reinstating my promise, because I CAN do that lol A promise to yourself doesn’t have to stay broken, thats what duct tape is for 😉

*update* turns out this guy was no kind of “great” smfh see other posts for details if yu care to……..

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4 thoughts on “Broken Promises

  1. I could have written this myself a few years ago, girl. Good job! It took a full year of celibacy before I learned how to love myself. It is SO empowering and I am glad I found your blog.

    1. Thank you 🙂 I’ve had a very strange sexual journey with alot of self doubt and self shame and some how it all came together in these last 3 months. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a link so i can find your blog if yu have one! lol

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