I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” ~ Audre Lorde
I read this quote months ago but It didnt quite hit home then, like it did a few weeks ago. I’d been having a hard time wrapping my mind around the way pitiful, disdainful and damn right hateful way people can act when you tell them what YOU want. I been talking to a guy for a few yrs now, and we stopped talking for about 6 months. Suddenly a month ago he popped back up with these expectations. I had to let him know that I could not be his sex/fuck/friendwithbenefits buddy this time around, that what i wanted for myself was alot more than just being someone’s booty call…that’s all I was to him before. I dont knock the lifestyle but I know enough about myself to know that I dont thrive in those types of relationships. I told him that than i gave him a week to decide what capacity he wanted to serve in my life. Relationship or friendship with minimal private contact ( to avoid sexual encounters)…I feel like that was fair, and the amount of time I gave him was fair to come to a conclusion, instead he turned on me like a wounded dog and started calling me things like crazy and emotionally unstable. He was mad because he didnt want things to change between us, he wanted sex, not a relationship from me …I dont mind that, I dont mind that he has an aversion to change that doesn’t suit him, i dont mind that I didnt mean anything to him but a great piece of ass, what I did mind is that he had the audacity to question my emotional stability after not talking to me for 6 months. Out of his frustration from not getting his way he said i was crazy, Emotionally unstable and afraid of rejection…..which is a rather scathing assessment of a person you havent spoken to in 6 months. He was calling me out of my name and being so disrespectful after I treated him with respect and kindness…I came to a point where I regretted giving him the ultimatum, where I regretted asking him to make up his mind where I had already made up mine and then I got angry……. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t have sex with anyone who wouldn’t take me seriously, with anyone who didn’t think I was worth their time, their commitment, their respect, or their love and I’ve stuck to it. I’ve come a long way in the last 4 months and even if someone perverts what I say and calls me crazy for it, I’m going to stick to what I said, to what I know, and I will NOT regret a damn word, not one damn decision. I was angry because for a second I began to second guess myself in order to avoid a conflict with this guy….but thats just the problem.
Too often I’ve tried to avoid a conflict with a man because I didnt want to make them angry, I didnt want to look bad in their eyes. Often times I would put their idea of me ahead of who I actually was! Instead of being a sensitive yet powerful decisive woman, I became a yes woman. I took everything they wanted and spread it over what I wanted to avoid conflict. I bowed down to every desire that wasnt like mine to avoid calling someone out , making someone mad, losing someone’s attention. Now THAT is crazy. I’d been thinking maybe I should have never said what I said to him but I had to, I realize now that without me standing up for myself I would be right back where I was, trod under foot and worn down like a carpet.Avoiding conflict meant I didnt stand up for myself when it counted, when I needed it most. Avoiding conflict meant I set myself up after being raped to be mentally raped again over and over, Avoiding conflict meant I gave up my power, my worth, and my self respect for someone that I didnt love, and didnt love me because love would never demand that of a person. Sometimes the enemy isnt the man. Sometimes it is you.
I don’t like being called crazy or emotionally unstable but I am willing to evaluate my behavior to see if it is in deed “crazy”. Let me tell you what I find to be crazy. Not being able to do whats best for yourself is CRAZY. Not being able to come to a swift conclusion about what you want in life is CRAZY. Not being able to respect a person’s life choices because it means they will no longer be serving you is CRAZY. Its also crazy to be angry when you realize that someone you have been using doesnt need you and has just figured that out. Its crazy to bow down to other’s wishes over your own sanity and happiness. This time around I wasn’t crazy. This time around I was sane and clear headed like a flowing robust stream because I didn’t need anything he had to offer I had everything I needed right inside of me. I was hurt at first but later glad. I didn’t avoid that conflict, I fought for myself, and since then I have been fighting for myself. Since then I almost slipped up, but that hasn’t changed my mind. I was trained to avoid conflict, it comes naturally to me. Its going to take awhile for me to retrain myself but I look forward to the results of that retraining and I hope that other women stop avoiding conflict for the sake of self preservation!