Your Not Entitled To Me

Lately I’ve been getting into alot of arguments and while i love a rousing debate i loathe arguing. These arguments have been with men that are not my friends, and do not have anything to do with me besides the fact that they would really like a chance to “do” me. I am not a prude but I am not a woman who is careless with her body or her peace of mind. I promised myself to forgo sex until I met someone who wanted more than that and I have stuck to this promise. But on my search for “the one” I have met alot of disrespectful men who are cursed with  the disease known as “male entitlement”. Male entitlement, the way I know it in my life is the understanding that men learn as boys that they are entitled to sexual action from women based on the fact that they are men. That sex is a common denominator in every relationship they have because they are entitled to it because they sport a dick and usually balls.

So, in meeting alot of men who do not understand that access to a vagina is a privilege not a right, I am bound to get in a few disagreements. I am however surprised how rude and two faced guys can be when they don’t get their way. I am a fat woman, the men I meet are naturally attracted to fat women but with that comes a social license to treat fat women with less value than skinny women. Society says fat women have less value, men have permission therefore to treat them that way. and what happens when a man encounters a woman that is fat but believes her value is greater than or equal to a skinny woman? They are offended. They are mad, they can’t believe my boldness and they go out of their way to “put me in my place”. These men one minute smile nice while saying ” damn you have a beautiful body, when can I fuck you”. And when I reply “you can’t” they start calling me a bitch, a fat bitch, ugly and telling me how I should be groveling at their feet crawling towards their crotches begging for a peek at them naked etc. A change in tactics, from complimentary to shaming and intimidation to get what they want and I just don’t UNDERSTAND. Just because you want something from me (something that is MINE) and I won’t give it to you doesnt give you permission to treat me like trash.

My search for the one has left me pessimistic and cynical towards men because everything men tell me is lies. Literally, I’ve had men say they wanted to be with me beg me for my attention, my time and never mention sex, and then when they get me alone they are all over me and the sweetness has gone out of their words and they are grabby and pushy and mean ……They think that they a have a right to my body because I am a woman, and then they think they have the right to treat me like a dog because I am fat. Well, regardless of what these men think I am a woman and no one has a right to my body, I am free as any man is free and I don’t owe you anything. I am not less valuable, or less intrinsically worthy because I have extra fat on my body, fat is nothing more than a feature like grey hair. I know this and I strive to educate these ignorant ass men who DON’T know this.
This is where the arguing comes in….I’m tired of the same old arguments over my worth to men who won’t see it because admitting I am worthy and human and valuable means admitting they are morally and ethically wrong. Admitting these things means they have to change their behavior, means they will get less of what they want because it doesnt sit well with them treating real people that way. But if they can find a way to make me different, to other me to exclude me from the standard definition of humanity then they can excuse their behavior. Being a woman is a good enough excuse, being fat is a good enough excuse and consider this being: black was a good enough excuse to enslave an entire race of people for profit. When will we stop looking for excuses for our behavior and start changing because its the RIGHT thing to do


4 thoughts on “Your Not Entitled To Me

  1. Nicci,

    You are right about the men who you have written about, but what I want you to understand is that you are wrong about their attraction to you–it is not that you are fat, it is the assumptions that they are making about fat women.

    I know that women don’t believe this, but the greatest fear for a man is that he will be rejected–not just rejected by women or rejected sexually, but rejected in general. I would be willing to bet that the men who you are writing about either have no jobs or have jobs that do not challenge their potential. I would be willing to bet that they are either still living at home, or left home when they were way too old to still be there. I would be willing to bet that they have a minimal education. They are probably much different with a group of men than they are individually. All of those qualities indicate that they have an insurmountable fear of rejection–sometimes termed as a fear of failure. Even their approach to you indicates it–lavish compliments followed by a demand followed by rebellion against your refusal, or to them, your rejection.

    They single you out like they single out the jobs as convenience store clerks and car washers because they figure that the chances of your rejecting them are smaller. The assumption, throughout society, is that fat people don’t get much action and that they are willing to jump at any opportunity offered to them to get some. I know this because I am a fat guy. For that reason, when you say “no,” the sting of the rejection is doubled and they lash out, calling you crazy, to assure themselves that it’s not them who is the cause of the rejection, it is you.

    There are other kinds of men out there. I am one of them. When I was unmarried (both times!) I actively pursued women. I can tell you that when I approached them, if I complimented them, it was on the quality of their conversation or on the excellence of their fashion sense, or perhaps on a singular quality of their beauty that I found to be remarkable, not on their bodies. Why? Because I think it’s a given that we approach people to whom we are attracted, and so it need not be brought up.

    You’re looking for a man who understands and respects your value as a person–determine what the outward qualities of that value are for you, and wait for the man who compliments those things. i would think from reading what you have written at times that what you think and the way you think about it is something that helps you define your value, so wait for the man who compliments that. If it takes a while to find him and you get to feeling lonely and want someone to throw it at, do it, but do it on your terms. If you want things to change for you in your lovelife, you have to take control of it and search in other places for the man who appreciates Nicci, not the fat girl at the club.

    I see your value and I see your strength. Put them both to work for you.

    1. Thank you very much for you feedback Bruce 🙂 I think you might be onto something…….the fear of rejection certainly takes the maliciousness out of some harmful male behavior, but I’m not ready to let them off the hook that easily lol There are alot of reasons people treat other people badly, but the bottom line remains the same….Having said that I think I harbor alot of anger towards men…..and it might take me awhile to get over that but I have pretty much wrapped myself in police tape in waitin for the right one, and I do believe I’ll find him ….at least in my heart. Until then however I am trying to avoid the wrong ones and I don’t always avoid them so smoothly. I’ve only been to clubs like 3 times lol they are NOT my scene, the men i meet are from the grocery store or on the internet or in restaurants and school functions….I guess I expect a little more from men, I expect them to evaluate their behavior, to constantly be looking for ways to improve,….like me. And I have definitely taken control of my love life, I’ve come from being a rape victim to being a lost slut type to being a clear decisive woman who knows what she wants and won’t settle for anything less….All of that in the space of one year, I think I’m doing pretty well as a single woman ..I made a plan and I’ve been sticking too it ….I think thats why it hurts so much when certain men treat me this way. But I can say that I don’t think for one minute that they rep. all men. i am still optimistic and while instances like this hurt they don’t distract me completely from enjoying my singleness. You’ve given me alot to think about though and I sincerely appreciate your kind words

  2. I see both of your points and never even thought about it from the “fat value” perspective. All I can say is that a dog is dog is a dawg. Skinny girls have the same complaints but the way you put it is brand new to me. From what I gather, you’re saying there is a lower level of respect than the normal dog treatment because you’re not skinny. In other words, some punk mfs looks at you and think,”this broad owes me some pussy or should be grateful that I even want some of that ass” I’ve never even thought of it like that. That ass belongs to you and he thinks you should be grateful. That really is a bullshit perspective and I will be sure to educate others from what I’ve read on your blog. Thank you for that insight. Much Alofas

    1. I’m glad your coming away with something that never occurred to you before! Thank you so much for the feedback! One thing thats central to this blog is the idea of bird cage oppression…for some women we will say a thin white woman, men still treat her like an object but in the eye of society he has to at least be civilized. Then you get a thin black woman she will be looked at as an object as well but one that is considered historically “oversexed” black women automatically get the loose sexual morality label so a man’s respect for her will be less than that of the white thin woman. Then you get a fat black girl……..she has girl against her, black against her and another prejudice *fat phobia* she is the woman less likely to get respect out of them all……the further away you are from the idealistic image of womanhood, the less humanity you have in the eyes of society. Being a woman is a slight against you, being a person of color is a slight against you, and being fat is a slight against you…..its harder to navigate the world with 3 verses the one that the original thin white girl might experience. I”m not complaining however, just trying to make sense of what is

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