I’d Wrote So any Poems That Year

I’d wrote so many poems in that year
The year my naiveté got the best of me
It was the year I went through 13 men
None of which had the intent to wed me
Grace covered me that year
I did not find myself swollen with an unwanted child
Or festering with some red or white sticky thing between my legs
Grace
That year was the first I’d experienced real heartbreak
And locked myself away in a dark room
A mocking stillness
This heartbreak at the hands of men I did not love
That did not love me
Or
Not my heart but my spirit
Bruised down into submission to perceived authority
Feeding the ferocious fires of every mans entitlement
To me, to my body, to my time
I’d wrote so many poems in that year
Between one night stands and secret promises
Between lovers
I began to hate with fire unquenchable
Men and to a much larger extent….myself
That year color had gone out of the sky
Out of my cheeks
Out of my smile
Grey replaced my disposition
A withering grey, dirty and suffocating
The sun still shone but not for me
Nothing grew
Nothing changed but the frequency and tempo of my tears
It was in that year
Where dried salt crystals permanently stained my face
Where assorted colognes and deodorants on my sheets overpowered my own perfume
That I gave away apart of me
Which part I do not know because it is gone now
I’d wrote so many poems in that year
And that is how I remember the way things were
My heartbreaking poems
My bitter poems
My poems about spitting in the face of life
But if I hadn’t written those poems
I wouldn’t know how far I’d come from those poems to these
I’ve been writing poems since the beginning of this year
Some still a little angry
But peppered with dancing lines of hope, and power
But mostly the love for myself
These new poems a comfort, a hug
These new poems a gift, having been birthed from the past
And those 13 memories whose names I have written down, many times
Are distant and fading , 13 men, 13 names, 13 as a number
And now nothing.
I write no more poems for those , or AT those anymore
I’m embracing the promise of this year

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