The Battle Is All Up Hill And I’m a Lil’ Winded

Welp…….I’m blogging today as a womanist….a fat one at that. Let me just say that as a fat bi-racial woman I LOVE sex and as I’ve begun the journey into sexuality I’ve been learning some things about the intimacy between two people that I never knew before. My introduction into sex was scary and unwanted but I have refused to let that dictate my sexual experience for ever……having said that I have realized something I never knew as a virgin….men LOVE doing big girls. In highschool I never got a sideways wink, never had a date, I was never recognized romantically by any of my peers….so I assumed that fat women were undesireable …I became a funny girl that you couldnt resist being around so that if i wasnt the dateable, take to prom type girl I would be the life of the party……

Anyways when i got to college and realized that some guys do love big girls I was floored…..Men wanted me they wanted to fuck the shit outta me…as a young woman I mistook this revelation to mean that men loved big girls….I kind of cut out the “doing” because In my mind if a man thought you were pretty, if a man wants to have sex with you, than he has feelings for you, he wants to be with you etc. …..WRONG. and I’m sure every woman has come to this conclusion some time or another but the experience of a fat girl of color is unique. Well at least mine is…..I’ve noticed that men lie to me constantly and they aren’t even good lies…..for alot of people in our society fat translates into stupid, so people automatically expect me to be stupid. So I get men who feed me lines of “swagg’ and “game”  they go so far as to promise to be my man, and tell me they could see us together, to try to get me into bed….I’m not stupid, I was naive but not stupid. And I had too much faith in the wrong type of men because i wanted to be wanted…..but I came to realize I didn’t want to be wanted the way they wanted me (hope i didnt confuse you). Mainstream society also believes no fat person can be happy with their appearance so men automatically assume that my sexuality is based on a “I’ll take what I can get” basis so that any opportunity to be recognized as a desireable being will get my panties around my ankles. Its insulting to be treated like a big walking vagina without a face, without a name….but its even worse to be objectified like that and then considered stupid, valueless and unworthy…..I have struggled with these feelings of inadequacy since i realized I liked boys, and they only intensified after I started having sex and realizing that i was ONLY having sex and I wasnt even enjoying it.

I like the idea of a man being on top of me, slick with sweat and grinding into me , kissing me and whispering….but I hate that sex seems so …theatrical to me. Like a big game…a couple of people pretending. When I have sex I imagine the man on top of me loves me and after we are done we are going to go to sleep and wake up to each other in the morning, I transfer movie romances into the screen of my mind while I’m having sex and that is the only way that I enjoy it…..I didnt think that was fair so I stopped having sex..and for the life of me I still can’t find someone who is interested getting to know me outside of my bedroom. This isnt a pity party blog but I’d like to say that all the injustice aimed at women, how they are treated as highly sexed being (especially if they are colored) how their sexuality is for sale, how a woman’s beauty determines her level of success, how a woman can never say no to sex without consequences …all of that combined with the prejudice and the stereotyping linked with fat people can be OVERWHELMING. fat people are lazy, desperate, stupid…and then add on the aforementioned prejudice against women….

I have been denied everything when it comes to the romantic side of relationships except for sex and because of the injustice in that I have denied myself sex. Will what I do in my life change the way fat women are viewed? Probably not but there is dignity in pointing out the way things are and not buying into them and there is integrity in believing something is wrong and not participating in that something ……I’m only 21 so I’m not doomsdaying myself into aloneness for all of eternity, someone might come along that is everything I ever wanted at least mentally lol but the struggle is still there and the value judgements based on size and gender are still there….. I will never stop fighting for my right to be recognized and treated like a human being but the battle is all up hill and I’m a lil winded

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