One thing I have noticed lately is that people (and when i say people I mean men) never want you for what you have to offer. They want you for what your NOT offering. Right now I’m not willing to get into a sex based relationship with a man (friends with benefits) because It hurts me too much to be involved with someone on a sexual level and ONLY a sexual level. I cant just be fucking a guy who doesn’t care about me beyond how well i can service him…
So here I am Fat and intelligent, honest and trustworthy, funny as hell, silly, a person who loves to read, a liberal, a woman that loves to talk, debate, participate in lengthy conversations about anything relevant to me and the person I’m talking to and I can only find men that want sex. I even had a guy suggest I give a guy the sex he wants and then prove to him how great I can be outside the bedroom….Why should I have to do that? Why should I work to prove to someone whose sole intention from jumpstreet was to fuck me that I can be more to him than a discarded Kleenex? Shouldn’t a man seek out and desire to know those parts of me before he ever puts his hands on me? Maybe I’m just not in tune with how the world works? I dont know. And what is up with men and their elaborate ass plans to setup working sex relationships? Giving you just enough care and time to keep you hanging on and maintain a shallow “friendly” relationship with you. Which usually boils down to “your so pretty and smart” and phone calls at 2 am, and never seeing you anywhere except for your place, and only calling ever 2 1/2 weeks…..
This kind of behavior has the ability to shake the foundation of a woman’s self worth and I have to admit that it has shaken mine many times….it seems that once i get on my feet and away from someone who wants to use or hurt me, another person pops up seeking to fill the space and they always come slick and smooth like butter saying things like they just want to be friends and see where it goes, coming off as harmless when really all they want to do is get to know the sexual you, everything else that you are is obsolete and unimportant because they can find a more socially acceptable woman to fill the rest of their needs…fine fine
but I’m not the weakling that I was last summer, i dont automatically fall for every smile dripping with charm and lacking sincerity. And as a direct result I have never spent so much time alone….once you cut out every man that has ever tried to use you, used you, or is currently trying to use you, you realize just how empty handed you are…but one thing is comforting, the fact that while i need emotional intimacy, I need love, I need time and space with another human being, my need for self preservation outweighs those other needs…i’m not breaking myself down into little pieces and feeding myself to sharks…I am whole….every now and then someone will come along and bite a piece off when I’m not looking thats true but in general I have fought off every attempt to hurt me by ceasing to trust men entirely. Some might say that is folly, and that I will never find what I’m looking for that way but I say…if he really wants me for me, my trust will be important to him….I’ve yet to meet a man that actually CARED that i didnt trust him. I look forward to meeting one who does
And in the meantime, I’ll continue to watch movies alone and cuddle alone and take sexual delight and pleasure from MYSELF because I am the only one I know to be true without ulterior motives, with unconditional love for myself I can keep fending off the attack of those who come to destroy what is beautiful and sweet and untouchable…I can keep my pearls away from the swine until its time to fork em over for a prince, duke or a hard working stable boy and If i can do it…..then you can do it too. The key is having self control…when you get lonely dont throw away your staple beliefs for a brief moment of intimacy that will put you in a worse state than you started out with…I’m telling you now in hopes that you will listen rather than learn for yourself because that lesson bites like a s.o.b. and it hurts something fierce