Wound—A poem

Sometimes I want to be the “wound” Ntozake spoke about

and sometimes I simply want freedom…

oh that wound…

so you never forget

you ache in forgotten places when the weather grows cold and heavy

…tickles like phantom

sometimes I want to be a limb cut off….

slow healing, seeping scar….

i want to be that ugly thing your new lovers trace with solemn finger tips, questing in the dark….

yet my descent has slowed by pity’s hand and time’s quiet call to blush, i cannot sustain my own decay

…to wound you

Fat Bikini Babes: Defining Beach Bodies

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What is the typical fat wear in a public swim area? Especially for women? Long T-shirt over the swim suit to spare beach going eyes, a swim dress with a dragging sloppy hem…. Yards and yards of spandexy fabric in dark matronly colors and patterns to hide the lumps…. This summer these options were unacceptable.

I’m a 24 year old fat woman with curves for weeks and my bathing suit options have been so fucking frustrating! Ive wanted to feel sexy and like a Baywatch Boo coming out of the water  …..but I’ve been terrified of public swim areas after a picture was taken of me without my consent at a lake. I felt ridiculed and shamed for wanting a fun Saturday with friends. Id been wearing a one piece without a swim skirt or cover up and that was revolutionary for me at the time. I was discouraged… But i saw Gabi Freshs blog and her fatkini and i knew i had to risk everything to celebrate my voluptuousness. I also realized that the people who don’t like seeing fat bodies do not have the right to run public spaces by creating a hostile social setting.

I’m loving the size acceptance approach and it’s new catch phrase is : how do you get a beach body? You take your body to the beach. And i did…. I hope other fat gals do too! It shouldn’t be revolutionary to wear what you want to the beach/pool…. But it is…but the more of us that do… The less revolutionary it will be and that’s the point.

We aren’t promoting anything but self love and advocating for everyone’s right to access public space without fear! Buy or make a swimsuit that makes you feel like a bombshell and leave the T-shirt at home!

Its been a while

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog or a poem….i hate that and i’ll be back…there’s still do much to say and so much to learn…and so many bridges to cross verbally that cannot be crossed out loud…thank you guys for being oddly loyal and for missing me….for encouraging my every now and then tweeting….

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See you soon.

The Not So Blaze-A Poem

We’ve been reduced to regurgitating memories and feeding on phantoms

To hoping old fires could spark from melancholy fuel

I kept it alone

You lay beside the flame with empty hands
Driving need, some desperation

You took the heat

I did the work of two…. singing, stoking

Keeping such a flame too long, too alone…i turned

Sacrificial

You grew

I gathered

The fire cannot be pacified
Yet cannot burn without fuel. It can destroy abandoned

Wounded, Before consumption, I.found my portion …. relit my solitary flame

Tendrils of chill
Ushered in the dark
That cold stole through you
You sought me
Accusing eyes for the keeper of your flame

The flame you would not feed

We’ve been reduced to “remember when” and “back then”

Recalling the beacon that loving created

That apathy killed

Untitled Poem

my mouth sought to slay the elephant in the room
but the cacophany of silences were pervasive
in my eagerness for understanding, for release
I sought him while he sat at that dead end
flicking bits of world from his shoulder and muttering to himself
my presence seemed offensive, disrupting his agony w/ my own
and he paled at my love, flinched from my trembling touch
saw my scrambling to be close as a threat
i slid through his fingers onto the floor
should i go?….and he yanked me back coldly
and i, wedged between pain and longing
stopped singing
feared the open sky more than the hated cage

A Boy Is Dead, His Racist Killer Free And White People Want You To Grieve Correctly & Give Them A Thumbs Up.

father and sonTrayvon Martin’s killer george zimmerman was found NOT GUILTY last night and the black community is lamenting…wailing it’s desolate loss, this is confirmation of our lack of humanity to this society. The black community is asking where justice is in this “post racial” nation. Black parents are wondering what they can possibly do to protect their black babies from attacks like these. The hopelessness in the face of this verdict is thick and pervasive and in the midst of it, there is such an outrageous anger, a feeling of VIOLENT DISGUST and it’s fall out. That fallout in which many white people have cheered and slapped this racist child murders back, invited him to talk on their shows and spewed such hatred about “niggers” and what we deserve, and baited us about how we do not REALLY care about black children that are murdered. They’ve suggested that black people die everyday, at their own hands and we dont care about that either. And in the face of that, a few of us grieving black people have said things like “i hate white people” , an HONEST and deeply hurtful feeling to express, a valid representation of the pain and the fear of being black in a white supremacist society. What happens? Suddenly all the white “allies” come out of the woodwork to tell these black people how “wrong” it is to hate them…….so the death of a black boy is about the white people who empathize?

Tell me….when was the last time black hatred for white people saved a black life? Why is it that black people cannot have ONE HOUR, ONE MISERABLE FUCKING HOUR to grieve the loss of Trayvon and the loss of his justice? Why couldnt this be about US, black people, for one day? Why do we have to watch our mouths so that white people dont get offended? Why do we have to acknowledge that white people are sad too? WHY DO WE HAVE TO PAT WHITE PEOPLE ON THE BACK FOR HAVING A CONSCIENCE when they cannot possibly comprehend what we have LOST throughout history and what this verdict means to our lives and our children’s lives NOW? I got so many “i am a white woman and i cried my eyes out over Zimmerman’s verdict” tweets and responses, that I was ready to flip my shit! WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU? Why is this about you? The fact that you can be sad about this one moment and send your child to the store in a hoody the next, without wondering if they’ll ever make it back, is a PRIVILEGE. One that I and other black people do not have. But you want us to stop our crying, you want us to stop being angry, you want us to sit quietly and listen to you regurgitate Martin Luther King quotes about darkness and light, you want us to APOLOGIZE for saying we hate you…..the nerve….the unmitigated GALL. You call yourself an ally but you are stuck on PRIVILEGE, the privilege you have to wake up with the complexion for the protection and never have to worry a day in your life about losing your child for their skin color. But you want to shut black people up because they hurt your feelings?

You want us to stop crying and pander to you, coddle you for saying you care, or even for genuinely caring. But this is not about you, this is not about you caring or you marching or you picketing, it is about the fact that the grieving response of a black person takes precedent over your FEELINGS about someone saying they hate you. A hate that has no oppressive power but apparently hurts your delicate sensibilities. You should ask yourself why you actively sought to address a black person, the night of this verdict, for saying they hate white people. Why addressing them was more necessary than acknowledging what said black person lost and giving them time to grieve. You should ask yourself why you decided to give that black person a talking to instead of one of the other white people calling Trayvon a nigger and laughing and baiting black people for being upset.

I’m not fucking here for it, there are some great white allies who have STFU and refused to take the “i hate white people” statements personally, because they know that this situation is not about them, they do not need to defend themselves, they do not need a pat on the back for rallying behind the black community. These white people have my ultimate respect and my love, too often do white allies DEMAND attention for being allies, demand whatever cause they take up with black people ultimately shine the light on them, these are the allies that can KEEP their “support”.

Being Held Accountable For Online Dirt, In Real Life

  1. FatFemPinUp
    do you think ppl should be held accountable IRL for the things they post on social networking sites?
  2. FatFemPinUp
    there seems to be this SHAME in addressing someone IRL over something they put online…as if their online life were out of bounds
  3. FatFemPinUp
    so ..if you’re online flirting or bashing someone and a family member or a your significant other address you for it….they’re in the wrong
  4. FatFemPinUp
    what i dont understand is this: your online persona is a public expression of yourself, y do u think u shudnt be held accountable for YOU?
  5. FatFemPinUp
    there’s alot of cheating that goes on, online, a lot of racism, sexism and hate speech, a lot of planning and plotting against others
  6. FatFemPinUp
    but somehow people….men specifically think that the whole internet is vegas, and what happens on the internet stays there 0.o #notso
  7. FatFemPinUp
    you shouldnt go to the internet to have a private life
  8. FatFemPinUp
    if you’re going to scheme….and you dont want to answer for it IRL, you prolly shudnt tweet about it, i dun care WHO is “stalking” ur page
  9. FatFemPinUp
    your significant other gets online and catches you calling someone else baby and “the one” and all u can say is “stop stalking my page”
  10. FatFemPinUp
    instead of tryna work it out…..you paint them as crazy and meddlesome….tryna hold you down, stalking you, obsessing……oh….oh ok
  11. FatFemPinUp
    but thinking that you can openly tweet about some dirt you are on IRL and still be above reproach is ridiculous
  12. FatFemPinUp
    i got mad at my …whatever the hell he is…for calling this girl his “prototype” …its a nickname he calls me…and it has significance
  13. FatFemPinUp
    to him and to me…it goes to a person being everything that you ever wanted in a mate…a model for what you need/want/deserve for yourself
  14. FatFemPinUp
    called another woman that….and im like …wait…so there’s more than one of us? so aint shit special about that? OH….
  15. FatFemPinUp
    or is it bc i am a woman and you are a man ..and you want the freedom to run game on everyone you come in contact with…..no accountability
  16. FatFemPinUp
    and another thing….ppl get on the internet and expose themselves to be these REAL SHITTY individuals….and DARE ppl IRL to call em on it
  17. FatFemPinUp
    and when you do….U’RE in the wrong? lol just some more of those patriarchal power games, where blatantly wrong men can make you look crazy
  18. FatFemPinUp
    and they gang up on women too! in order to protect their “right” to do internet dirt….one dude says “bitches are crazy for stalking my
  19. FatFemPinUp
    twitter, facebook etc. page” ….and other men hurriedly agree, bc if they unite behind that dude, then they gain more freedom online
  20. FatFemPinUp
    that’s how patriarchy works…get all the men in agreement…and all the women fighting each other, and the men rise to the top controlling
  21. FatFemPinUp
    then there is this message sent that “good women” who keep their men, dont hold them accountable for the things they post online
  22. FatFemPinUp
    good women dont ‘stalk’ their significant other’s pages bc they have class or bc they trust them or bc ignorance is bliss
  23. FatFemPinUp
    but am I stalking you if i take a look at your twitter/facebook page once every few weeks to see if you posted any new pics? am i really?
  24. FatFemPinUp
    am i stalking you if we had an awesome weekend together where i came from out of town to see you, and want to see if you mentioned it?
  25. FatFemPinUp
    am i stalking you if this is the first time i’ve EVER addressed anything you’ve tweeted, bc it hurt me or disconcerted me? no. I am not.
  26. FatFemPinUp
    men are very quick to throw around the controlling image of the fem stalker who, stays on their internet pgs all day, waitin for em to fk up
  27. FatFemPinUp
    you find yourself agreeing with my TL…..even just occasionally….#youmightbeafeminist
  28. FatFemPinUp
    All I’m really saying is …dont think yu can say hurtful things online, pursue other women openly online….and not answer for it IRL
  29. FatFemPinUp
    EVERYONE…..everyone has to answer for their behavior….the internet is NO exception
  30. FatFemPinUp
    now….no one has a right to POLICE your behavior…online or offline…but there’s a difference between policing and holding u accountable